we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
