Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
