Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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