An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Help. Why am I so naked?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
