yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
