When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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