Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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