i was rollin on her like bob the builder
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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