So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
