Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
