I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
