p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
