I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
