Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
