I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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