I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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