if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
