I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
