i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
