I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm bleeding and have questions
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
