the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
