Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
