i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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