My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
