I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
