Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
