I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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