can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
