The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
