I skipped work to stalk him.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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