I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
