god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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