Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
