Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
