why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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