my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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