somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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