Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
