My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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