The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
