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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.

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• (251): View more from Alabama

  So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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• (859): View more from Kentucky

  I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake

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• (763): View more from Minnesota

  FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.

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• (407): View more from Florida

  I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  $150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...

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• (813): View more from Florida

  FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  She's better-looking with the mask on.

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