Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
