My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
