oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
