She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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