It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
