dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
