YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
