I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
