I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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